This is a post that… I…
I don’t know if I should be keeping this bottled up inside me or not.
This is just, well, …
This is just really fucked up.
In the past week, my SIX YEAR OLD has said the following things to me, on his own:
1) You should make me not a part of your family.
2) I hate myself.
3) I just want to kill myself.
Yeah. You read that right. My six year old hates himself and is suicidal. Should I be worried? Am I overreacting by constantly checking on him in the middle of the night? Is it too much to be hollering for him when I know he’s sitting on the toilet?
I just do not know.
And, you’d think this sort of behavior would get him in to see a fucking psychiatrist fucking as soon as goddamn possible, but we’re still on waiting lists.
I just want to help him, but he won’t talk to me. He is just so remorseful about being bad. He says he is horrible, but he doesn’t know why. He goes into fits of rage, but he doesn’t do it on purpose. He’s almost always triggered.
But sometimes, …
…sometimes he just attacks.
I don’t know. I just know I want to get him help and I’m having an incredibly hard time getting him the help I believe he needs right now.
Sometimes I wish I knew what the fuck was wrong with his biological father so I could just get him “fixed” right without having to jump through hoops. But, my husband, his step-dad, won’t allow it. He won’t let me just call up my ex and be like, “Okay you damn fucking fool, what the fuck is wrong with you, because my son is fucked up just like you and I want to help him so he doesn’t end up like you. I don’t want people to hear about tragedy on the news and secretly pray to themselves that it’s him, like I do about you. I want him to be back to the kind, lovable, incredible child he once was.” But, I mean, I can’t. My husband’s only “reasoning” is: “He’s a wanted felon, you can’t do that.”
Which brings me to my one question/statement:
Umm… I don’t give a flying fuck who he is. I just want to know what the fuck HIS problem is so I have SOME SORT of an idea to give to his doctors. I can DO whatever the FUCK I want.
Which, in turn, really makes me want to march my happy ass down to the courthouse and drop the restraining order I have against him.
Is it really wrong that I want to find my ex, and force him to comply with genetic testing and such? It’s not like I want him to be a part of my son’s life. In fact, I want the exact oposite. I just want my baby back, and if I have to deal with my ex, I will. In fact, I wouldn’t tell anyone to put it past themselves to think I wouldn’t find him, trick him into helping us out, then call the cops and have him arrested for being wanted. I would do that. I’m a bitch. And I hate him.
I will do absolutely anything for my children. Ab-so-lute-ly an-y-thing.